Blog

Good Morning Everyone,




So, I have decided to use my blog as a true “blog” (web log), an electronic journaling device of sorts. My teaching as a priest will be offered at the Temple and online through Blogger.com and our Order’s Yahoogroup, “ClearMindZen.” This raises interesting questions as I will, if it is at all really possible, take off my priest’s hat as I both write entries and reply to comments. One such question is how to address morally and ethically ambiguous thoughts and feelings? Another is how much to reveal of my actual life? Still another is what to do with obnoxious, insulting, or attacking comments?

As a priest, I have an obligation to use myself as a teacher or advisor. I should try to understand and contextualize the thoughts and feelings of those addressing me no matter how crude, rude, or abrasive. I have to one degree or another been successful at this, but always have felt inauthentic in the process. It’s as if I have thought priests should not be angry or hurt, and most certainly not respond in-kind. What would people say, after all? Sometimes an asswipe is just an asswipe and needs to be dismissed as just the toilet paper they present themselves to be. As Vonnegut used to say, “So it goes.”



We seem to dislike moral ambiguity. People like clear cut solutions to clear cut problems. The trouble is, most of the most interesting aspects of our lives reside in ambiguity. Yet, for me, this ambiguity has been a lifelong associate. Sometimes an antagonist, but more often than not, a true friend. I once wrote a chapter in a social work textbook about working with moral anguish. Life’s moral problems form the backdrop tapestry of rich and fulfilling life, it seems to me.



Sidney M. Jourard once wrote a compelling little book called, “The Transparent Self.” In it he argued that most of psychology was flawed because it was based on skewed data. The data, he argued, came from people who were trying to out think, out smart, or otherwise influence researchers because we are, as a rule, people pleasers. To get truthful answers, he stressed, we need to do some degree of self disclosure. In my clinical experience I saw this was a profound truth. If I shared a little bit of my wartime trauma story, people let the “Dr.” part of me slip away as they began to see me as a real person. Yet, it is important also to maintain boundaries. The question is where and how to set them.



So, my writing will take a turn. I hope for the best, but I will say right here, I have no clue how this will work its way out. As my late friend, Bernie Schmidt used to say, “Hilbert, it’s a bag of shells.”





Be happy.

Self, part one

Good Morning Everyone,


Lately in dokusan and other venues, people are asking me about “the self.” What is “the self”? From my point of view, self is an incredibly complex tapestry in constant millisecond to millisecond development. If we were to freeze it, which we cannot, we would see billions of interactions processed from birth to the present moment from billions of sources all intersecting in the mind, which frames the whole as “self.” All perception from every sense organ in every moment throughout every contact with every object of the senses builds this “frame” we call “self.” Since we cannot “freeze” it, it is, itself, in constant transformation with both the interior environment of our mind, and the exterior environment of our perception of the universe.



This construction is so complex we cannot predict human behavior with any real degree of certainty. The most sophisticated regression analyses with thousands of variables, may yield a few degrees of explanation, leaving the rest to who knows what. So, what we need to know is that all of the construct of “self,” every bit of it, is a mental work in progress. When we die, the whole thing disintegrates.



When we practice, Master Dogen suggests, mind and body falls away. We begin to see the true nature of this fabrication we call a “self.” We see that the “self” is an elaborate work in progress, and as Uchiyama says, the self is making the self, which is to say, the architect is doing the drawing with all the myriad data being received.



We learn that as we grasp this constantly transforming self we suffer. We do not want to be sick, be injured, or die. We want pleasure, we do not want pain. We want to look like this. We do not want to look like that. We think this or that will make us happy. We think this or that will make us sad. All attempts to hold on to something impossible to hold on to because it never ever actually existed. When everything is in constant transformation, no “thing” can exist.



Our task as practitioners along the Way is to first discover this basic truth and then surrender to it, allowing the body and mind to fall away. In this way we are truly free as the Buddha himself said, we see “the jailer” clearly.



Be well.

The Measure of Things

Good Morning Everyone,




This morning we practice Zazen at 10:00 AM and again at 6:00 PM. We follow evening Zazen with Zen 101, our continuing study of the Bendowa. I am pleased. Today will be a day of practice and study. It is always good to fall deeply into study, whether it is of a book or of ourselves. In the end, both intersect and we find change is at the center of it all.



Yesterday we bought a fire pit. I tried to put it together. It had four legs which were to attach to a large metal bowl. The trouble was it was machined poorly and three of the four leg’s screw holes did not match up with the legs themselves. I spent considerable time attempting to adjust the legs this way and that, but to no avail. I suppose we will return it today, but I thought I would first ask the people at the store to try to put it together for me. But then I decided this would be cruel and, after all, the store clerks didn’t machine the thing anyway. This is happening more and more frequently it seems to me. Poor workmanship is just a fact of life today.



I remember my uncle who worked for a steel stamping plant in Trenton, NJ. He took exceptional pride in his work. He spent hours with me showing me how both inside and outside calipers worked, how to use a slide rule, and how to draw a plan in minute detail. His house was filled with rejects: small stamping imperfections in metal trays, cookie tins, etc. Today, I suspect, these would be in stores for sale.



In Zen we pay attention to detail. It is important to hold our hands in a certain way at a certain time. It is important that the bells be invited to ring in a certain way and that incense be offered with great care, grace, and selflessness. When we sit, we sit with care and effort. We work at remaining upright, still, and centered. Precision is important. It shows our respect for that which is in front of us.



Unfortunately, it would seem from the poorly machined products to people walking into stores in PJ bottoms, we have as a people put ease, getting something done quickly, and comfort above all else. Our practice helps us change that, but to make it so, we must actually practice.



Be well.

Change

Good Morning Everyone,


There is no escaping the effects of our causes. Green houses gasses are at record highs. Capitalism’s churches of Greed and the American Way are shouting, “Let them eat cake!” as we bob in a sea of rising prices and diminishing wages. A perfect storm is brewing. There will come a time, fast approaching I suspect, when the distractions will no longer distract and the bubbles will no longer appeal and we will be left with ourselves sitting on the floor (if we have one) with nothing left to do.



May own sense is that the planet itself will cause an adjustment. If we do not stop emissions, do not stop warming the planet, the planet itself will stop us. Our planet could care less if we exist on its surface. It simply does what it does within its biophysical parameters. In the process, if there are conditions for human life, human life will exist: if there are no conditions for human life, human life will not exist.



At such moments human history suggests both scapegoats and heroes arise. At such moments some people choose to rise up against the scapegoats, believing they caused their misery. At such moments other people choose to look deeply inside themselves, and gathering their internal resources, build their world in a bold new way. These become the heroes.



Over the next twenty years or so, our world will change in unimaginable ways. Because they are unimaginable, I cannot say what they might be. I do believe wholeheartedly though, that change will be radical and global. It will be a intersection of environmental and economic transformation. Those who have learned to sit in caves staring at walls, will survive. I cannot speak for the others.



Be prepared. Study yourself.

Zazenkai

Good Morning Everyone,


Zazenkai was a challenge yesterday. Rev. Kobusshin (Tamra) and I travelled to Anthony, NM to offer meditation training to young Peace Campers there, and while gone, Zensters at the Temple practiced Zazen, did Samu, and ate Oryoki lunch. I spent most of my Zazen time in the foyer-turned-Buddha Hall-dokusan room. While there, I heard the murmurings from the kitchen, sat through breaks, and listened to my heart speak to me.



Several folks left before the close. Intensive practice is wearing on our bodies, especially if we do not have a daily practice. One cannot expect to run 26.2 miles without having first run one, then two, then three, then five on a regular and incremental schedule. The benefits of intensive practice are enormous, however, so the building of our stamina is essential.



One of the things that “worked,” I understand, was Rev. Kobusshin’s introduction of contemplative yoga practice after lunch. We have eliminated study and writing practice periods as being antithetical to the focus of sesshin. Contemplative yoga is an excellent replacement.



I am still concerned about the continued breaches of silence. Here is the deal: While on breaks we are not to talk; in the kitchen we are not to talk; nowhere and at no time, are we to talk. It is that simple. Every moment is an opportunity to listen deeply to the sounds of our heart/mind as it encounters the situation in front of us. Often our first response is to vocalize. In Sesshin and Zazenkai, we are not to do this. Instead, we are to simply listen to our heart/mind, let go, and return to the task in front of us. This is just as important as the practice of Zazen.

Our next opportunity for intensive practice is the highlight of the Buddhist calendar, Rohatsu, which occurs the first week of December. Between now and then, practice daily, build your practice endurance, and find yourself being more and more able to reside in the moment as it is.

Be well.

Zazenkai

Good Morning Everyone,


Today we will practice wholeheartedly throughout the day. This Zazenkai should not be any different from any other day. The life of a bodhisattva is a life of living Zazen. We live our lives in practice. This means we live in the Great Outdoors, life outside the box of filtered perception. Open your heart/mind, take a breath, and thoroughly enjoy this actual moment: it is the universe itself. Be well.

Crap

Good Morning Everyone,


(Warning: rant follows)



So, we get a call from Jerry at the Mountain Music store. He has a drum set I can buy for $250.00, “Come look at it.” We do. It is delightful. A bass drum, chain foot pedal, snare drum, floor tom, and a mounted tom. It includes a floor cymbal with stand, a hi-hat stand with cymbals, and a drummer’s seat. They are made by “Peace” percussions so “Peace” is writ large across the front of the bass. We say they are beautiful. He says, “Take them.” Adding, “Pay me when you can.”



There is something about Vietnam veterans, combat vets in particular. He says we are “brothers.” I feel this. The man was a door gunner. One of the more brutal jobs in Vietnam. I was a grunt. Brutal enough. I cannot put my finger on the what of it, but what I felt was a deep connection with someone I didn’t know, but knew a whole lot about.



Combat vets are a little loosey goosey we might say. We do not abide by manuals well, nor do we appreciate crap. It is said that combat vets have finely developed crap detectors and this is one thing that makes us a challenge to live in society with.



What I have noticed is that taking vows to become a priest has forced me to look at these things. I try to look at the reason for the crap people throw out there. I try to find a way to be compassionate. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not. I think more importantly, not challenging crap for being crap is not compassionate at all. It simply enables people to continue in their crap.

Crap in combat gets you killed. Crap in civilian life gets you promotions by those pinheads who either cannot see it for the crap that it is or are for their own crap reasons unwilling to call a spade a spade..



Setting aside the priestly priesthood mantel for a moment to be a tad more authentic, as a people, I think we have suckered ourselves into a pit of self-serving despair here in the United States. Corporations haven’t “stolen” anything we haven’t joyfully given to them in the hope that our egos, our own bank accounts, and our status in the neighborhood would be satisfied. We are a sick, debilitated, anemic society who seems to have lost our will to say “No!” to our need for more and more things, more comfort, more fast food, more convenience, cars that consume more gas than necessary, more and more, more and more, and those awful corporations have been ever so willing to lend us the money to buy them. Meanwhile we ourselves actually produce less and less.



We don’t work hard in school. We are a nation with one of the highest rates of functional illiteracy. We are a nation that cannot write. We have trouble putting three words together cogently. We do not think critically. We lead with our “feelings.” And we make excuses for everything under the sun…or blame the Democrats or the Republicans or other nations (when other nations are simply rising to fill the vacuum our unwillingness to work has left behind).



Frankly, I do not have any answers. I think, however, like combat tends to clear a person’s mind, so too, hard times. Maybe this era of reduced credit, fear, and collapsing greed will get the slugs moving. Maybe we will wake-up to the fact that if we want less greed we must say no to greed. We must work hard. We must not accept excuses from ourselves or others. And most importantly, we must start to actually think. This requires a few easy but challenging actions. First, turn off the T.V. Second, begin to teach yourself to really read, not just skim, a book. Third, know that you are the only person in your life that can actually change your life. Fourth, make a training plan for change and stick to it. Fifth, look at your local community college, take a class. For goodness’ sake, educate yourselves. And sixth, forget your comfort. It is the soma of the 21st century. (If you do not know what “soma” is, it means you have not read a classic of our literature and you really need to get yourself to a library.)

Our nation is failing because we are failing as individuals and communities. We are too often taking the easy way out of “blame” and “finger pointing.”



Be well.