On Being Soft

With palms together,
Good Morning Sangha,

Maintaining a sense of interest in the well-being of your partner may be in your own best interest in the long run. When we speak and (otherwise) behave with our partner with loving kindness, we soften ourselves and our partners, making our union a more joyous and comfortable one. On the other hand, when we speak to our partners with anger and behave in a hostile, controlling manner, we harden ourselves and our partners, making our relationship brittle.

It seems that these truths may be deeper and more concrete than we might expect. Researchers suggest that anger and hostile interactions with our partners contributes to coronary atherosclerosis, hardening of the arteries.

"In a study of 150 couples, mostly in their 60s, researchers found that women who behaved in a hostile manner during marital disputes were more likely to have atherosclerosis, especially if their husbands were also hostile."

"In men, hostility -- their own or their wives -- was not related to atherosclerosis. However, men who behaved in a dominating or controlling manner -- or whose wives behaved in that way -- were more likely to have clogged coronary arteries." says a study from the University of Utah as reported by Reuters Health News.

A gentle way is a healthy way, it would seem.

"The only group of men that had very little atherosclerosis were those where both they and their wives were able to talk about a disagreement without being controlling at all," (Dr. Timothy) Smith said. "So the absence of a power play in the conversation seemed to be heart protective for men," he concluded.

My sense here is that perception plays a major role in this. How we perceive, leads to how we think, feel, and respond behaviorally. Even if there is no outward behavioral response, perceiving ownself as being in the presence of a hostile and contriolling person, may increase our risk. Interesting. So, what are we to do?

My practice tells me that understanding process without becoming caught in process is a key to dealing with this. If we were to clearly see ourselves as simply being there, with no investment one way or the other as to outcome, taking a long view, a hopeful view, of the interaction, we would be much better off. Too often we are caught in the minute points of an arguement. Who said what with what sort of tone, intending what to whom. Or some equal variant on this theme. We wish to be understood, we wish wo be accepted. We wish to be agreed with, heard, validated, something. Yet, our partner keeps hammering away.

Our goal should be to be present in these arguenments without racheting them up. The best way to do this, I think, is to make yourself available in that moment to listen deeply to your partner. Love her/him in their pain or their confusion or their anger. This requires us to be willing to set aside our own agenda and needs.

To do this we must possess and maintain a faith that our needs will eventually be addressed. My experience is that these "needs" are almost always immediate and responsive to our partner's request to have their needs met. In other words, our "needs" are really more about our unwillingness to give up ourselves to our partners than an actual need itself.

Here's the thing: needs come and go. Why be bothered by the tit-for-tat of power and control? Especially now that we have some evidence that it is hazardous to our health.

Be well.