With palms together,
Good Morning All,
Again, I have not posted a note regarding Zen. Maybe that’s because I have not been practicing as much as I should. Maybe its because I have given up my roles as abbot and teacher. Or maybe its because I have been absorbed in other matters, both personal and professional. It doesn’t matter, so forgive the ramblings of an old man.
I wrote in a note to my wife that I feel lost. I don’t know who or what I am any more. I’ve let myself go, grown my hair, and feel buffeted about by the troubles of age and disability. It seems to me that I’ve lost my center in the process.
In the same note I said what I thought I needed to do was hit a reset button. Begin again with where I was a few years ago. I’m not sure I know (at this point) what that means, but what I do know is that it must be something at my core.
What is that?
For followers of the Way I believe it means renewal of vows, fusatsu, with a renewed vigor and willingness to look deeply at one’s individual situation. It also means a degree of renunciation of misdirection. When we stray off course it is important, as my wife frequently asks of me, to look at how we got off direction in the first place.
One central misdirection was giving up teaching. This led me to a place where Zen was not front and center and other things moved into that place: biking, shooting, even art to some degree. Another misdirection was setting aside a regularly scheduled time for engaged practice, deceiving myself into thinking I was doing that practice through the various efforts of my biker friends and clubs. Self deception is our worst enemy, it seems to me, as it leads to a phony life.
While I do not want to assume an “official” role in the Order of Clear Mind Zen, I will resume my role as teacher. After many days of reflection I have come to accept that teaching is my nature and that through misdirection I have deceived myself into thinking I could give that up, since to do so led to my loss of a sense of center.
If anyone wishes to engage this practice and you are not a student of another Zen teacher, please feel free to contact me at harveyhilbert@yahoo.com. I will initiate a group study as well using “Living by Vow” by Rev Okumora Roshi. Classes will begin on Tuesday
evening at 6:00 PM at my residence.
May we each be a blessing,
Daiho