Anxiety

With palms together,

Good Morning Everyone,





Update: stress test was fun, but I suppose that is very subjective. I am one of those hapless individuals who enjoys being physically stressed. I enjoy running, biking, weightlifting, and in the distant past, Korean karate. Each, of course, to the max. Perhaps that is why I am feeling it now  Anyway, the stress test was the typical 3 minutes, three minutes, three minutes: each with an increased level of difficulty designed to get the heart rate up, open the arteries, and see what happens. The idea is to get to your “predicted HR max” based on age. I am 64 and that means my max should be 157 according to the Cardiac Care Tech.



So we started at a resting HR of 56 and climbed. At the end of the 9 minutes I was barely touching the predicted max so we agreed to go farther. She punched up the incline and increased the speed so I had to jog. I ended up after another minute or two at 162 and felt great.



I am beginning to think all of this stuff is in my head which, of course as we know, it always is. My sense is that I am so in-tune with my body from years of noticing my paralysis and meditation, that any change registers. I interpret this change as a warning, poor me, and find myself wondering what is going on in there. This is called anxiety.



So. We will wait for all the testing to be interpreted and a final interview with my docs to see what they say, but I say, “I am fine.” Time to get on the Diamond Back and ride to the Temple for dokusan and morning Zazen.



Be well.

Zen Mindlessness

With palms together,

Good Morning Everyone,





This morning I would like to report that I failed my stress stress due to not reading the instructions. After Zazen and dokusan yesterday, several of us went to Tokyo Sushi for lunch and I ate vegetarian fried rise with jasmine tea. Didn’t think anything of it until getting to the cardiac care center where Student Marcos offhandedly referred to fasting. Oy. Soooo, we rescheduled for today aqnd I was profusely apologetic and down-right embarrassed.



So, this morning at 11:30 stress test. No food, no coffee, no nothing.



Anyway, we will sit Zazen at 9:30 this morning and again at 6:00 PM. We will follow this with Zen 101 at 7:00. If you have any questions about Zen or your practice, this is the group to join.



Zen 101 will be moving into the next text for discussion which will be “The Wholehearted Way” a translation of Eihei Dogen’s Bendowa With Commentary by Kosho Uchiyama Roshi. This text is a foundational text for understanding the practice of Zazen. Please order a copy and have it available for group the first Tuesday of October.



See you soon.

Be well.

Zen is Being Now

With palms together,

Good Morning Everyone,


The dawn has yet to break
across the mountains in the east.
Mesilla’s air is crisp,
September half over already,
and October looms close by.
Time seems to travel so quickly
as we age, and yet,
it seems like only yesterday…

…that I just could not wait for my fourteenth birthday so that I could get my “Restricted” Driver’s License and ride the motorcycle my step-father had bought for me.

Miami in the 1950’s was a very different place than it is now. But then, everything changes. Talking with a friend, who also grew up there, we remembered so many small details that seem to act as little anchors for our existence. Driving to the Keys in an old MG Midget, Wolfies, rock pit swimming, these were good times in the sun.

I wanted so much to be a scientist, but was soooo working class. I was a combined wannabe geek and biker, a condition that has seemingly defined my life over the decades. “Two Fires” my Navajo friend called me.

The good news is that for some time now the struggle between these two has been over. Rather than resisting living in multiple worlds, I have let go of, and surrendered into, this condition. Monk, householder, partner, friend, lover: these are just names we give to an otherwise seamless existence in the eternal now. There is only one world, the world of this moment itself.

A canvas sits on my easel: I am a painter. A zafu sits in the Zendo: I am a Zenster. A pan in the kitchen: I am a cook. My partner in our bed: I am a lover. I am each and none. Labels do nothing for us but separate us from our actual life. They change everything. It is better to live without them.

This is one meaning of mind and body falling away.

Be well

PS, today Zazen for Sangha Members at 9:30 AM, Stress Test at 1:30 PM, Dokusan in the late afternoon.

Mindfullness and Toxicity

With palms together,

Good Morning Everyone,





Let’s see, yesterday I did a wonderful little test at the skilled hands of Student Marcos who referred me to the cardiologist he works for at Cardiac Care here in New Mexico. I also did a duplex study of my arteries and a CAT scan of my brain with contrast. The physician was amusing in his grandeur, but solid in his approach. He read my record and did an exam at which point he indicated things looked good, but wanted further tests. I am scheduled for a treadmill stress test on Monday afternoon. The CAT and duplex results will not be available for a few days.



My sense at this point is that all of this is simple anxiety over noticing the subtle --- and sometimes not so subtle --- changes in my body. Zen practice is a practice that has us constantly noticing. We are supposed to “let go” of that which we notice. Perhaps I notice and let go of some, but not all, of this stuff. Aging is one of those processes that is resolutely constant and as it marches, it increases its chorus’s volume in what seems to be daily decibel levels. In addition to this, of course, there are the daily money issues, family issues, and temple issues that exist because we are alive and participating in the world around us.



Zen practice is a healthy practice, but care must be taken to truly do something with those things we are constantly noticing and not allow them to build into snowball weight over our head or weave into a blanket with which we smother our heart. The danger of increased mindful attention, then, is in training ourselves to be aware without providing ourselves the tools to deal with what we become aware of.





What are some of these tools? Well, as Rev. Soku Shin is so fond of saying, “You could talk to me!” Talking about feelings and thoughts is a mainstay process of dealing with anxiety. Exercise is always an excellent option, but remember, it should have a component of vigorous effort built in. Meditation itself is a tool, as is yoga. Tai Chi Chih and Tai Chi Chuan can be very supportive in directing energy flow. Lastly, writing practice is an excellent contemplative tool, as well as a terrific mechanism for ordering and processing our thoughts and feelings.



As I write this, I recall a favorite book of mine written some years ago by Dr. Dean Ornish. It was a program to reverse heart disease and it had four components: a very low fat diet, vigorous exercise, meditation, and bodywork like yoga. Maybe I should take another look at it.



Be well.

September 16

With palms together,


Good Morning Everyone,







Every day brings moment to moment opportunities for change. Today I will undergo several important medical tests: an initial cardiac exam with my new cardiologist and a duplex carotid-vertebral arteries exam and a CT of my brain, for my new neurologist. For some time now I have experienced chest discomfort, pain, and shortness of breath and I had an anomaly on a routine EKG at my annual physical two months ago. My leg and arm seem to be deteriorating faster, and I have headaches several times a week. With encouragement from my partner and a few sangha members, I am getting these tests done. I am hopeful that we will find a cause and that this cause can be repaired.



From 1964, when I began practicing karate, through decades of recovery from combat injuries, and on into my experience of long distance running and the discipline of Zazen, I have come to believe deeply in the personal strength and power of each of us to overcome obstacles. More precisely, I have become a very stubborn person. Sometimes this stubborn discipline is helpful, sometimes it is hurtful. I am coming to believe that in matters of health, it can be hurtful when used in service to avoiding things, but very helpful when used to address healing and engage recovery. While I am a little worried about my body, I am not at all worried about my ability to deal with whatever comes up in each day.



At CMZT this morning we will practice Zazen at 9:30. Tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM we will practice Zazen through the day. Zazenkai is a short, intensive practice period, like a mini-sesshin. It involves Zazen, kinhin, samu, and oryoki. We will practice in silence.



At our Temple, we practice Zazenkai once a month and sesshin once a quarter. It is very important to have such extended periods of practice as they help us deepen our practice discipline and help us get under the surface of things.



Please consider establishing an intensive day of practice in your home if you cannot attend Zazenkai at our Temple or another.



Be well.

September 14

With palms together,

Good Morning Everyone,





Our Zen 101 group is going strong. It is so good to see such an interest in not only understanding Zen, but actually practicing it. We sit for an hour from 6:00 PM to 7:00, then hold a discussion based on a text selection. This week it was on Clouds and Water, the priest’s track in Zen. Next week we will talk about a lay track.



These distinctions are somewhat fuzzy here in the United States as most Zen priests are actually lay priests and not monastics. As in anything Zen, distinctions such as “monastic” and “lay” are more a thing of the mind than anything else. A priest who goes into sesshin or Zazenkai is a monastic. A priest can form relationships, even marry and have children, but in the Zen world, a priest has by vows, shifted priorities.



What is most central in a priest’s life is the condition of conditioned things: the universe itself. According to tradition, a priest takes vows leading to stability, service, simplicity, selflessness, and the accomplishment of the Buddha’s Way. Priests frame these and understand these in an array of ways. My friend Claude Anshin for instance, assumed vows of poverty and chastity, he only eats one meal a day and does not drink, smoke, or eat meat. He owns nothing and lives off of the donations to his foundation.



Other priests might have a home and a job, children, a wife or husband, and credit cards. In both cases distinctions should not be made as to which is “more religious” than the other. Both priests have made commitments, have obligations, and go about their lives in service to the dharma.



What is true in each case is a shift in focus and priority in the priest’s life from relationship, per se, to dharma and sangha.



Be well

In the details

With palms together,

Good Morning Everyone,



The morning air is much cooler now that we are entering September. We have turned off the air conditioners and opened the windows. It is a good thing to feel fresh air, but along with it comes teaser sounds which trigger both of our dogs to bark. So, we have fresh air and barking dogs. All is right in the world.



All day yesterday I worked on my painting, details for sesshin, the WebPages, and various other small tasks. I spoke over Skype with my disciples Rev. Kankin and Rev. KoMyo. In the first case we talked about our everyday practice, in the second case, preparations for the coming sesshin. Soku Shin was away most of the day taking care of business of a different sort.



Everyday practice is every moment practice. It involves realizing that each and everything we do, we should do with stillness of mind, what I will call “deep posture.” To do this we must give up our attachment to one form of practice over another. To do that we must realize Zazen is not about the “superficial posture,” the “picture” of our practice as seated buddhas. Formal Zazen is a method of getting our mind and body oriented to the environment in such a way that all fall away leaving only presence. It is this “deep posture” or “presence” that can be opened in each moment regardless of our superficial posture.



We carry this Deep Posture with us everywhere. We are born with it and have the capacity to access it in each and every breath. When painting, just be in the paint, in the canvas, in the manifestation of the painting. When writing, just write, completely and fully expressing what you are. When walking, just walk. Walk completely, fully, touching the earth with your heart. This is not special. It is every day.



Do this and the details of our lives become like the jewels of Indra’s Net.



Be well.