Intimacy

With palms together,
Good Morning Everyone,

The sun rises over the Organ mountains as I sit in the comfort of my Zendo. I have recently switched back to sandalwood incense. I had been using cedar. Sandalwood is the incense my Teacher uses in his Zendo. I think I am yearning for connection.

My Little Honey and I had a talk about this last night. Connection is so important, yet a challenge for many, including myself. By connection I don't mean the superficial, acquaintance level. I mean a deeper, much more intimate level. And yet, when I consider any deep connection but with the Infinite in the privacy of the Zendo, I feel anxious and vulnerable. Such a struggle.

My response is to become defensive. I talk. I turn the conversation away. I leave.

Years of practice has helped me "see" these things. And I have adapted in some cases. I rarely use intense anger to frighten people away. Nor do I use the sort of intellectually arrogance sarcasm that was present in my grad school days.

My technique is much more sophisticated now. Yet, it leads to the very same place. A lack of real, sustaining, connection to others who are close to me and very important to me.

Preparing for this class I am teaching at the Academy has made some of this very clear. I am using my journal much more efficiently and purposefully.

So, the good part about Zen practice is that it gets us close to the truth of ourselves, but there is a shortcoming, I think, in how we teach Zen in the US, since it is taught outside of a monastic community. This shortcoming has to do with intimacy.

Many of us who come to Zen experience this and its just fine because it is what we want. Yet, that want is a real block to our growth as human beings.

What do you think?

Be well.