Transparency

There are a few things a Zen priest or teacher ought not do besides the obvious, violating his/her vows, and one of them is hiding behavior.  It's akin to acts of omission, which is to say, lying by not telling the truth when not asked.  I have always believed in transparency. As a priest and Zen teacher believe I have an obligation to be as "up-front" with the public, and in particular, my students and readers, as possible and appropriate.  

As I write this, I worry how it will be read and what the consequences may be for sharing such intimate details about my life choices over the last year. But it will be what it will be.  As Vonnegut used to say, "So it goes."

For the last couple of decades, I have taken a drug called "Mirapex."  It is used to quell leg spasms and restless leg syndrome (RLS). Unfortunately for me, the drug has some rather toxic, if not malicious, side effects I was not made aware of which have deeply disturbed me, my wifem students, and now you, dear readers. There are several challenging side effects, but most relevant are two: a lowering of impulse control and an increase of addictive behaviors; frankly, a match made in hell. 

By writing about this drug, I am in no way excusing my behavior, but offering an explanation for it, as well as a warning to anyone reading this to stay away from Mirapex. It is a dangerous drug and studies have shown it has caused many people to lose their homes, end their marriages, and otherwise rain down hell upon users.

So, I have deleted my Facebook account and no longer engage in online sexual conduct or discussion. I used to sign on to sex sites, meet women, spend money, etc. Ashamed and depressed, I take up the Way. As this day closes, another opens.  May it be filled with the light of day.

edit